Inner Demons

I know earlier I said this blog was for my positive thoughts only.  To help me learn more about myself and how God is working in and around me.  This post may seem negative but hold tight, it gets more positive near the end (maybe).

Being completely honest with myself and my readers (if I even have any)...I strongly detest the way I look.  This subject has been at the center of my insecurities since I was walking home from school in the seventh grade.  I was walking home alone because Suzanna had been sick at home that day.  Right as I crossed the road into my yard, some high school boys in a rusty old red truck pulled up beside me, got my attention, and screamed the words "you're ugly" at me then drove off laughing their ignorant little heads off.  I felt like the breath had been knocked out of me.  Shaky, I walked the rest of the way through the yard and inside my house, trying to comprehend what possessed these kids to say these cruel words to me, a little girl they did not even know.  I dropped my belongings on the floor and frantically searched for my mother.  As soon as I found her I told her what happened all the while choking back tears.  We sat there and both cried as she rocked me in her lap.

These boys could not comprehend exactly how much those two short words would affect me a continuous eight(ish) years down the road.

Those words have been tossed around my head for many, many years.  They have molded themselves into every negative translation you could possibly think of.

"Your nose is too big.  Your eyes are too small.  Your hair is the wrong color.  You're too skinny, almost anorexic looking.  You're looking a little fat today so you should stop eating.  Your sister is the pretty twin.  No one really cares.  You're all alone.  Your smile is hideous.  You're not worth it.  Not trying hard enough.  Not good enough.  UGLY.  So damn fat.  You're too short.  No one is listening.  YOU'RE SO FAT." 

Honestly, WHY CAN'T THIS VOICE SHUT UP.  There was a time when I got these thoughts to hush for a little bit.  And then I turned 20.  My metabolism slowed down a teensy bit.  I gained 7-10 pounds.  The all-too-familiar voice has made a destructive return, hitting harder than ever before.  Everybody says I look just fine and I look healthy.  Gaining weight is a normal part of life.

"Not for you, Colleen.  You're ugly.  You're fat now."

 SHUT. UP.

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This has been difficult for me to write about so I'm now coming back from a small break.  

In the middle of these messed up thoughts I have come to the realization that these are LIES.  Lies from the devil.  That is all they are and all they will ever be.  I have learned that God created me.  He knitted me in my mother's womb and knew all of me before I was even born! I mean, how magnificently mind-blowing is that?  It is almost too much to comprehend when you take time to sit and ponder it for a while.  

He created me.  He has molded me and formed me to who He wants me to be.  He is still working on me.  He will never stop working on me.  

"For You created my inmost being; You knit me together in my mother's womb.  I praise You because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; Your works are wonderful, I know that full well.  My frame was not hidden from You when I was made in the secret place.  When I was woven together in the depths of the earth, Your eyes saw my unformed body.  All the days ordained for me were written in Your book before one of them came to be." 

-Psalm 139: 13-16.

"I knew you before I formed you in your mother's womb.  Before you were born, I set you apart."                      

-Jeremiah 1:5 

 

God does not make mistakes.  I do not know why these boys did what they did, but in a strange way I am glad they said those words simply because it has helped me realize the depth of our Father's love for us.  

God made me and every other person on this Earth in His image.  According to Him, I am beautiful the way He created me...the way I am.  You, you lovely reader, are beautiful.  Everyone is beautiful because God created everyone.  

God will never see me as ugly. 

I can only pray that these boys have grown up and learned from their mistakes and that they are good people in society and that they have come to love God as much as I do.  I also pray that I will be able to see myself how God sees me.

God does not make mistakes.  I will defeat my enemy.  

Beloved

This song is titled Beloved, by the band Tenth Avenue North.  

God speaks through this song so deeply it becomes difficult for me to wrap my mind around it.  God is speaking directly through these lyrics.  We are His beloved. We are the love of His life.  

You're my beloved

lover, I'm yours

Death shall not part us

It's you I died for

For better or worse

Forever we'll be

My love, it unites us

And it binds you to Me

How incredible is that?  Your relationship with God cannot be torn apart by anything including death.  We are his FOREVER.  Forever.   He will take care of us.  He is our one true love beyond anything a friend, boyfriend, fiance, or husband could ever be.  

I am learning that we should not fully rely on material things and earthly people.  These people and material things will let you down, and if they haven't, it will happen eventually.  Yeah, I guess that sounds a little bit depressing.  But what I'm trying to say here is that God will never let you down.  He knows what's best for you.  He knows when the time is right to open your eyes to everything you never understood before...all you have to do is trust. 

Desert Soul

For a while this song has been burrowing a place into my soul, speaking to me in ways very few other things have. Here are the lyrics:

I love You Lord
But I want to love You more
I need You God 
But I want to need You more

I'm lost without
Your creative spark in me
I'm dead inside
Unless Your resurrection sings

I'm desperate for a desperate heart
I'm reaching out, I'm reaching

All that I am is dry bones
Without You Lord, a desert soul
I am broken but running
Towards You God, You make me whole

You are exactly what we need
Only You can satisfy

It explains exactly how I feel right now.  Being at college stuck with all of these stressful assignments to do day in and day out with, what it seems like, no break at all.  No breathing room.  Assignment after assignment after assignment, it gets pretty monotonous.  

As a result of this stress-filled schedule, I feel like I'm too exhausted at the end of the day to pick up my Bible and read it.  Even the one I got for my birthday last year that has the days separated out for me with specific passages of the Bible broken up so I can read the whole thing in a year.  It's almost no work at all to pick it up, find today's date, and spend fifteen minutes reading its contents.  I don't know why I keep straying like this.  

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"All that I am is dry bones without You Lord, a desert soul."

Wow. That imagery.  It's perfect.  When get off track from praying and talking to God like He's my best friend and off track from reading my Bible, this is exactly the feeling I get.  Empty, dry, and deserted.  As though there is no purpose to life other than living day by day getting nothing accomplished, apathetic towards everything.  Then I start to pray.  Crack open my Bible.  Read.  A change from the inside is felt almost immediately.  I feel...whole. Completed.  

"Only You can satisfy."

First Post

Hello to whoever  may, or may not, be reading this.

I decided to start this blog so I can write down all of the confusing thoughts that race inside my head a thousand miles per hour when I'm left alone.  Trying to understand the world around me and God's plans for my life.

I have kept a journal since I was in the fifth grade. There are nine total journals (of which one of them is a five subject notebook) full of my innermost thoughts and ramblings just sitting around at home in random places around my room.  I had to stop journaling in my early high school years due to all of the negativity swimming around in my deep abyss of a brain causing me to think ugly, self-destructive thoughts.  So, here I am now, attempting to get back into writing every once-in-a-while.

This blog is meant to be a positive thing, helping me learn from my mistakes instead of tearing myself down because of them.  

For now I'll leave you, my lovely readers (if there are any...) with this wonderful quote: