Have no fear! Our God is here!

A while ago, I discovered this band who calls themselves Gungor. I only listened to one of their songs, Beautiful Things, for quite some time and only recently discovered the rest of their phenomenal body of work. 

Let me just say that God is surely and clearly using them for truly great things. 

I've had a serious struggle with my faith for the past few years, only seeing God in little blips here and there before falling back into my selfish negativity. 

Tonight, however, is a completely different story. In the middle of my fears about literally everything and other problems: general senior-in-college things, student loans, money, my relationship with Paul, my own self worth, body dysmorphic disorder,  anxiety, and a few other things, God has overwhelmingly blanketed me with His comfort, love, truth, beauty, peace, and understanding tonight through this epic duo of a band. 

One of the songs is called Let There Be. The lyrics read:

Darkness hovering

Grasping everything it sees

void empty

Absent life and absent dream

Let there be

Angels toil and crack open scrolls of ancient dreams

Countless worlds of His

Brilliant stars and breath and stream

Let there be (light)

Where there is darkness

Let there be light

Where there is nothing

Let there be light. 

A-MAZING, RIGHT?! The first time I heard it I tried not to cry because I wasn't alone, but it's a nearly impossible task to not cry when God is practically yelling at you. But you should go listen to it yourself, and you can if you click right here.

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The other "song" I listened to isn't exactly song as much as it is spoken word. God is speaking through her like I have never experienced. So much so that I cannot fathom what words I would choose to describe it and how it spoke and continues to speak to me. Truly breathtaking and tear inducing. I completely transform into a child of God as I feel so small, yet also like an impossibly gigantic miracle created perfectly in the image of God. Perfectly. 

This has been on repeat for about thirty times in a row and I am not ashamed. And you (if there is anyone reading...) can listen to it with me by clicking here. 

And here are the words so you can read along and truly comprehend everything:

He is here.
He’s right here.
In this room; in your heart.

He is near.
Nearer than breath; heartbeat.
Nearer than you are to you, closer than second chance, or next opportunity.
Closer than tonight, or yesterday.

He is real.
More real than touch; see, hear, smell, or taste.
More real than reality; he is our reality!
More real than joy, pain, sorrow, or the love of being in love.

He is present.
Like space, wind, time, silence, night.

He is waiting.
Like; creation.
Like words on the tip of tongue.
Like; songs that have yet to be sung.

He is beauty.
And oranges, blues, every hue, every shade.
Sunset and sunrise whisper his name.

He is holy.
Cannot be touched, explained, like; sweet seconds of prayer.
Like; grandmother on knees.
Wood floor, bare.

He is old hymns.
The extending of limbs, stretched across trees;
strives to heal disease.

He is son.
Distinctly three; distinctly one.
The only one.
The only wise.
The only resurrector of lives.

He is king.
And no earthly throne can house him.
No amount of elegant words can espouse him.

He is moment, and voice.
Power of choice.
And word.
And deed.
And fruit.
And seed.

Nailed hands; nailed feet.
Innocent wounds, that bleed.

He is believe.
He is all
He is call, and purpose.

Everything we can sacrifice he’s worth it, and more.
Much more.

Our good deeds are mere pities; we’re never even to score.

He is behold.
And wow, he is who, what, when, why, how.

He is the one who puts on the show.
He is the one that we turn to see.
He is souls’ cry, and sinners’ bleed.

He is the epitome that no one can light a candle to or, come within a million-foot pole of.

He is above.
He is a father’s love.
Maker of waves, of earth and wind.
Ancient of days.

Has no fear.
Have no fear!
Have no fear! Our God is here!

(Sorry about the change in font, I copied it from a website and I don't feel like re-writing it seeing as it's already 1am.)

Anyway, I hope these two pieces affected you as much as they have me. 

Eating Disorder Awareness Week

This week has been deemed "National Eating Disorder Awareness" week. That being said, it kind of hits close to home in more than one way.

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I feel as though it is about time to make my story more public. Only a very minute amount of close friends know, as it is a very difficult thing for me to talk about. But it is much easier for me to write about it because I usually write about everything...it is nice to be able to bleed myself onto paper through a pen without having the repercussions of actually opening myself up to another human being only to get hurt..

Well, here's my story:


Back when I was young, I was really into being outdoors all of the time. Hiking, soccer with my cousins, basketball with my siblings, cross country, basically anything that allowed me to expend my energy outside. This type of behavior allowed me to be physically fit (sometimes TOO physically active) and within a healthy weight range.

Then along came high school. No more running, except on days when I had time and wasn't too lazy. I had to quit cross country because it was simply too much to balance with the nerdy marching band season. Eventually, my muscular, athletic build melted away into a jello-y sludge of fat hanging on to my bones. Whenever I walked I could feel it softly bouncing; something incredibly foreign to me. Then my thighs started to grow even more to the point of touching and my hips began to fill out into a more 'womanly' figure. As my metabolism disappeared, so did my self-esteem.

I was only five pounds heavier than I had been, but science has proven muscle weighs more than fat.

With the fat gain, all of the negativity that surrounded me at home, and my crippling anxiety disorder, the only thing I wanted to do was hide. So hide, I did. I became even more of a recluse hiding in my room for 9+ hours at a time (excluding time to sleep) and creating a place of refuge inside my tiny closet. There, I journaled and read until my eyelids became too heavy to hold open. There, I slept. Hidden away from everyone so no one could see my hurt and the shame I felt for letting my body become what it was.

Slowly, I began to limit the amount of food I ate. The only thing on my mind was the irrefutable desire to disappear. Maybe, just maybe, if I ate less and less my body would become less and less...and I would eventually disappear.

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I have a strong desire to keep certain major details concealed, so I'll just skip them.

Anyway, after many hours spent uncontrollably sobbing in my little refuge of a closet I saw the tiny Bible I kept hidden in my "emergency kit." What I told myself was, "whatever page this opens on, I'll read. It can't hurt and it's probably better than crying for the rest of the night." The book opened up somewhere near the middle of Psalms.

I read. I read and I read and I read.

An overwhelming peace like no other came upon me and I began to cry even more. This was a good type of crying. I realized my behavior was not healthy and a few other things besides that, that have become a part of my testimony.

God loves me. He sees me as perfect and beautiful because I have been created in His image. My body was made to endure the natural ebb and flow of minor weight gain, weight loss, muscle gain, and muscle loss. My stomach is made to expand after I eat and that is okay. The "extra fat" around my waist was put there specifically to protect my womanly organs, and will provide protection in the future while my future children are just beginning to grow. My hips have been made to support the weight of growing a child, and what a blessing that is!

I still battle these thoughts. It is a huuuuuge mental struggle for me and sometimes the voice in my head is too loud and I can't hear God constantly telling me that I'm perfect the way I am. The struggle has become more prominent recently and I'm desperately trying not to go back to my old ways of restricting calories.

I have confidence that I will win this battle. Eventually.