Time

Over the years I have recognized that time is a stagnant thing. It is always the same amount of measurement, not caring if you're spending a leisurely afternoon having a picnic with your significant other or anxiously drumming your fingers, waiting to hear back from the doctor to see if your grandfather is going to make it out of surgery.

Even though this is true, it always feels like time starts spinning faster and faster and faster and faster the longer you are alive.

When I was about six years old, a couple hours spent in the humid heat of an Illinois summer racing my stroller and doll down the driveway against my sister's felt like half a lifetime. Now that I'm older, a whole day spent enjoying myself on the Blue Ridge Parkway feels like the whimsical blink of an eye.

I don't understand this phenomenon and I don't think I ever will.

My application for graduation was just sent in to be reviewed. College graduation. In what feels like a short second I will be a college graduate. My mind can barely wrap itself around that terrifying realization.

...in one short second I will have no idea where life will take me.

Patience, Child.

Every single day of my life the Lord is teaching me the valuable lesson of patience. I've always been too stubborn and anxious and I want everything done now and done right.

I'm learning that sometimes, more often than not, my idea of "right" is not God's idea of "right." And when I want something done as quick as possible, God most likely has better plans for me and my preferred timing is usually much sooner than God's timing.

Patience really is a virtue, as are all the other fruits of the spirit which I strive to attain.

Love

Joy

Peace

Patience

Kindness

Goodness

Faithfulness

Gentleness

Self-Control

As I look back and start to really think...I possess none of these qualities. Not one. And I am disappointed in myself. 

I am a Bird

My life is a roller coaster and I am hovering on the top of the first drop....

One hundred and ninety-nine days until I graduate from college with a degree in Commercial Photography. Holy. Crap. I will be basically done with all of my formal schooling in 199 DAYS.

I have spent my whole life up until now being taught quite a bit by teachers and professors.  Now, life happens. Life begins. Not to say that life hasn't begun...it is just that now there will be no formal learning.  All of my learning from now on will be taught by life itself.  My choices and mistakes will have a greater weight because I will no longer be leaning on my parents for much support.  I am the bird finally being pushed out of its nest. I must rely on my own wings to fly.

My anxiety screams for my attention while the Lord patiently whispers, waiting for me to slow down and listen. I have been through this lesson many many times throughout my life and I can feel this turning into one of the worst...only if I let it. I need to "let go, let God." He is in control of my life and my future; there is no need for me to be anxious of anything.

I know I will be just fine for I know the One who holds me and my future in His hands.  I will not fall. I need only trust in Him.

As Isaiah 40: 31 says:

"Those who hope in the Lord will renew their strength,

They will soar on wings like eagles,

They will run and not grow weary,

They will walk and not be faint."

Ghost of Who I Was

I'd much rather write on my blog than do a treatment for my next video for video class...

Ya know what I've noticed? It feels like everything is the same day by day but when I actually take a step back everything is entirely and dramatically different. Nothing is how I thought it would be. All of the people I was friends with my freshman year in college are now friends with the guy I broke up with halfway through my sophomore year and I feel like those friends I've had sort of shunned me for no reason. So there's that. 

I'm trying to learn, understand, and accept that a lot of the friends you make will not be your friends for long. Including the friends you had in high school when you both swore you would be "best friends forever." Ha. Forever my ass. Those people are all different now, as am I, and it's a hard pill to swallow. 

I keep thinking "is something wrong with me?" Why does no one want to be my friend anymore? What did I do that turned everyone off?

I used to be Baptist. Then we moved to the south...down here "Baptist" has a altogether different meaning. From the 13 years I've been living down here, the majority of Baptists have been judgmental and I have felt entirely unwelcome. When I make one mistake, even one I was not aware I had made, I basically got rejected from the entire group here at school.

I have become exactly the person I was not in high school. A result of being thrown into an unfamiliar environment surrounded by people I did not recognize forced me to break through my thick introverted shell and blossom into this slightly-outgoing-when-I-need-to-be-but-still-an-introverted person. I have learned to speak up when I need help and to ask for what I need. 

Anyway, I know all of this change in my life the past almost four years is for a reason. I know that if I hadn't broken up with my boyfriend I had freshman year and made a couple more mistakes in college, I would not currently be with the incredible man I'm with. 

Everything happens for a reason even if it takes a few years to realize it.