Patience, Child.

Every single day of my life the Lord is teaching me the valuable lesson of patience. I've always been too stubborn and anxious and I want everything done now and done right.

I'm learning that sometimes, more often than not, my idea of "right" is not God's idea of "right." And when I want something done as quick as possible, God most likely has better plans for me and my preferred timing is usually much sooner than God's timing.

Patience really is a virtue, as are all the other fruits of the spirit which I strive to attain.

Love

Joy

Peace

Patience

Kindness

Goodness

Faithfulness

Gentleness

Self-Control

As I look back and start to really think...I possess none of these qualities. Not one. And I am disappointed in myself. 

I am a Bird

My life is a roller coaster and I am hovering on the top of the first drop....

One hundred and ninety-nine days until I graduate from college with a degree in Commercial Photography. Holy. Crap. I will be basically done with all of my formal schooling in 199 DAYS.

I have spent my whole life up until now being taught quite a bit by teachers and professors.  Now, life happens. Life begins. Not to say that life hasn't begun...it is just that now there will be no formal learning.  All of my learning from now on will be taught by life itself.  My choices and mistakes will have a greater weight because I will no longer be leaning on my parents for much support.  I am the bird finally being pushed out of its nest. I must rely on my own wings to fly.

My anxiety screams for my attention while the Lord patiently whispers, waiting for me to slow down and listen. I have been through this lesson many many times throughout my life and I can feel this turning into one of the worst...only if I let it. I need to "let go, let God." He is in control of my life and my future; there is no need for me to be anxious of anything.

I know I will be just fine for I know the One who holds me and my future in His hands.  I will not fall. I need only trust in Him.

As Isaiah 40: 31 says:

"Those who hope in the Lord will renew their strength,

They will soar on wings like eagles,

They will run and not grow weary,

They will walk and not be faint."

Ghost of Who I Was

I'd much rather write on my blog than do a treatment for my next video for video class...

Ya know what I've noticed? It feels like everything is the same day by day but when I actually take a step back everything is entirely and dramatically different. Nothing is how I thought it would be. All of the people I was friends with my freshman year in college are now friends with the guy I broke up with halfway through my sophomore year and I feel like those friends I've had sort of shunned me for no reason. So there's that. 

I'm trying to learn, understand, and accept that a lot of the friends you make will not be your friends for long. Including the friends you had in high school when you both swore you would be "best friends forever." Ha. Forever my ass. Those people are all different now, as am I, and it's a hard pill to swallow. 

I keep thinking "is something wrong with me?" Why does no one want to be my friend anymore? What did I do that turned everyone off?

I used to be Baptist. Then we moved to the south...down here "Baptist" has a altogether different meaning. From the 13 years I've been living down here, the majority of Baptists have been judgmental and I have felt entirely unwelcome. When I make one mistake, even one I was not aware I had made, I basically got rejected from the entire group here at school.

I have become exactly the person I was not in high school. A result of being thrown into an unfamiliar environment surrounded by people I did not recognize forced me to break through my thick introverted shell and blossom into this slightly-outgoing-when-I-need-to-be-but-still-an-introverted person. I have learned to speak up when I need help and to ask for what I need. 

Anyway, I know all of this change in my life the past almost four years is for a reason. I know that if I hadn't broken up with my boyfriend I had freshman year and made a couple more mistakes in college, I would not currently be with the incredible man I'm with. 

Everything happens for a reason even if it takes a few years to realize it.

Face Your Fears

Today, some friends and I went to the parkway and hiked up Rough Ridge - a 2.6 mile round trip (mostly uphill) to see some of God's beautiful creations. This time of year is truly one of the most breathtaking and gorgeous times especially in the mountains of the Blue Ridge Parkway.

The parkway has found a very special place in my heart. My grandparents used to live in Fancy Gap, Virginia and I believe they lived there most of my life up until the time my Grandpa had a heart attack and they decided to move to Tennessee with some of my family for health safety reasons. 

Anywho, a few weeks ago we had a speaker come to the photography department who had won about five awards in this year's Banff Film Festival.  Unfortunately, we were not able to view his film, but we did get to hear him speak about his experience creating the film.  This was an incredibly eye-opening experience for me personally.  A lot of it was about chasing what scares you because there you will find truth, love, beauty, happiness, contentment, and a lot of other things. 

I believe God sent him to my school to speak these things for a reason - I needed to hear it.  I needed to be told that I should not be afraid of anything.  I shouldn't be afraid of the unknown future or being alone or a more worldly thing such as heights.  So today I was presented with a option to face my fear of heights.  Guess what? I FACED IT! I faced it with a shaky everything, sweaty palms, and a racing heart. And I am still alive.  And I have never felt more alive in my life.  It was exhilarating! I saw beauty in nature I never would have seen with my feet on the ground. God has created a beautiful world - get out there and explore - face your fears - appreciate the life you live. 

And here are some images from today's explorations - click on them to see them larger!

Inner Demons

I know earlier I said this blog was for my positive thoughts only.  To help me learn more about myself and how God is working in and around me.  This post may seem negative but hold tight, it gets more positive near the end (maybe).

Being completely honest with myself and my readers (if I even have any)...I strongly detest the way I look.  This subject has been at the center of my insecurities since I was walking home from school in the seventh grade.  I was walking home alone because Suzanna had been sick at home that day.  Right as I crossed the road into my yard, some high school boys in a rusty old red truck pulled up beside me, got my attention, and screamed the words "you're ugly" at me then drove off laughing their ignorant little heads off.  I felt like the breath had been knocked out of me.  Shaky, I walked the rest of the way through the yard and inside my house, trying to comprehend what possessed these kids to say these cruel words to me, a little girl they did not even know.  I dropped my belongings on the floor and frantically searched for my mother.  As soon as I found her I told her what happened all the while choking back tears.  We sat there and both cried as she rocked me in her lap.

These boys could not comprehend exactly how much those two short words would affect me a continuous eight(ish) years down the road.

Those words have been tossed around my head for many, many years.  They have molded themselves into every negative translation you could possibly think of.

"Your nose is too big.  Your eyes are too small.  Your hair is the wrong color.  You're too skinny, almost anorexic looking.  You're looking a little fat today so you should stop eating.  Your sister is the pretty twin.  No one really cares.  You're all alone.  Your smile is hideous.  You're not worth it.  Not trying hard enough.  Not good enough.  UGLY.  So damn fat.  You're too short.  No one is listening.  YOU'RE SO FAT." 

Honestly, WHY CAN'T THIS VOICE SHUT UP.  There was a time when I got these thoughts to hush for a little bit.  And then I turned 20.  My metabolism slowed down a teensy bit.  I gained 7-10 pounds.  The all-too-familiar voice has made a destructive return, hitting harder than ever before.  Everybody says I look just fine and I look healthy.  Gaining weight is a normal part of life.

"Not for you, Colleen.  You're ugly.  You're fat now."

 SHUT. UP.

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This has been difficult for me to write about so I'm now coming back from a small break.  

In the middle of these messed up thoughts I have come to the realization that these are LIES.  Lies from the devil.  That is all they are and all they will ever be.  I have learned that God created me.  He knitted me in my mother's womb and knew all of me before I was even born! I mean, how magnificently mind-blowing is that?  It is almost too much to comprehend when you take time to sit and ponder it for a while.  

He created me.  He has molded me and formed me to who He wants me to be.  He is still working on me.  He will never stop working on me.  

"For You created my inmost being; You knit me together in my mother's womb.  I praise You because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; Your works are wonderful, I know that full well.  My frame was not hidden from You when I was made in the secret place.  When I was woven together in the depths of the earth, Your eyes saw my unformed body.  All the days ordained for me were written in Your book before one of them came to be." 

-Psalm 139: 13-16.

"I knew you before I formed you in your mother's womb.  Before you were born, I set you apart."                      

-Jeremiah 1:5 

 

God does not make mistakes.  I do not know why these boys did what they did, but in a strange way I am glad they said those words simply because it has helped me realize the depth of our Father's love for us.  

God made me and every other person on this Earth in His image.  According to Him, I am beautiful the way He created me...the way I am.  You, you lovely reader, are beautiful.  Everyone is beautiful because God created everyone.  

God will never see me as ugly. 

I can only pray that these boys have grown up and learned from their mistakes and that they are good people in society and that they have come to love God as much as I do.  I also pray that I will be able to see myself how God sees me.

God does not make mistakes.  I will defeat my enemy.  

Beloved

This song is titled Beloved, by the band Tenth Avenue North.  

God speaks through this song so deeply it becomes difficult for me to wrap my mind around it.  God is speaking directly through these lyrics.  We are His beloved. We are the love of His life.  

You're my beloved

lover, I'm yours

Death shall not part us

It's you I died for

For better or worse

Forever we'll be

My love, it unites us

And it binds you to Me

How incredible is that?  Your relationship with God cannot be torn apart by anything including death.  We are his FOREVER.  Forever.   He will take care of us.  He is our one true love beyond anything a friend, boyfriend, fiance, or husband could ever be.  

I am learning that we should not fully rely on material things and earthly people.  These people and material things will let you down, and if they haven't, it will happen eventually.  Yeah, I guess that sounds a little bit depressing.  But what I'm trying to say here is that God will never let you down.  He knows what's best for you.  He knows when the time is right to open your eyes to everything you never understood before...all you have to do is trust. 

Desert Soul

For a while this song has been burrowing a place into my soul, speaking to me in ways very few other things have. Here are the lyrics:

I love You Lord
But I want to love You more
I need You God 
But I want to need You more

I'm lost without
Your creative spark in me
I'm dead inside
Unless Your resurrection sings

I'm desperate for a desperate heart
I'm reaching out, I'm reaching

All that I am is dry bones
Without You Lord, a desert soul
I am broken but running
Towards You God, You make me whole

You are exactly what we need
Only You can satisfy

It explains exactly how I feel right now.  Being at college stuck with all of these stressful assignments to do day in and day out with, what it seems like, no break at all.  No breathing room.  Assignment after assignment after assignment, it gets pretty monotonous.  

As a result of this stress-filled schedule, I feel like I'm too exhausted at the end of the day to pick up my Bible and read it.  Even the one I got for my birthday last year that has the days separated out for me with specific passages of the Bible broken up so I can read the whole thing in a year.  It's almost no work at all to pick it up, find today's date, and spend fifteen minutes reading its contents.  I don't know why I keep straying like this.  

________________________________________

"All that I am is dry bones without You Lord, a desert soul."

Wow. That imagery.  It's perfect.  When get off track from praying and talking to God like He's my best friend and off track from reading my Bible, this is exactly the feeling I get.  Empty, dry, and deserted.  As though there is no purpose to life other than living day by day getting nothing accomplished, apathetic towards everything.  Then I start to pray.  Crack open my Bible.  Read.  A change from the inside is felt almost immediately.  I feel...whole. Completed.  

"Only You can satisfy."