Closure?

I've done quite a lot of thinking over the past two months. A LOT of thinking. I used to write everything down but stopped because of personal reasons. Halfway through the empty period of not writing anything I began to wonder why I stopped in the first place because writing is a great venue of self-exploration and deep personal understanding.

After some serious thinking and desperately grasping at thin air in a feeble attempt at organizing my thoughts and trying to figure out some major stuff I have finally realized why I stopped.

I stopped so I wouldn't be subconsciously shoved any deeper into the incredibly dark areas of my mind. Down there is home to a frighteningly realistic view of who I really am. In writing so much, I had found the innermost part of my mind where the beginning seeds of both doubt and hope were growing in the same soil.

It was terrifying.

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Take just now for an example. I escaped to tumblr for 30 minutes to avoid writing what's on my mind.

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I feel a large hole somewhere in me. Like a large chunk of myself has somehow gone missing. I know picking up my journal again will help draw that missing piece back in to myself but being completely honest, I'm a little scared to start writing again. 

The last thing I want to ever do is go through everything my fragile heart went through two months ago. Again.

*cue Rascal Flatts "Let it Hurt" because it just came up on shuffle. Strange how that happens.*

I hate battling myself. I know that if I write about it I'll (hopefully) get a little more closure. Maybe I'll understand it more. Or maybe it'll just bring up more unanswered questions, self-doubt, and negativity from the seed of doubt growing in my mind as I mentioned earlier. I might cry myself into oblivion again and end up singing myself a lullaby to get to sleep at 4:08am. 

If I write about everything I'll at least feel better in some way. Even if only a little. 

Inside the Cage

I am so deeply hurt by everything you have done you will never be able to comprehend...

There are so many words, so many feelings, inside of me. The past month I have been desperately trying to leak them out of me only to get locked deeper inside. I pretend I'm healing. I pretend I'm strong. Sometimes I pretend so intensely that I actually begin to believe myself.

And then something happens. A little thing reminds me of you and everything comes back. All of those feelings, all of those words, come rushing back to the surface like a hurricane with gale force winds. Violently shaking the bars of the cage holding them back.

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I'm even more deeply hurt that you would turn your back on my family. Or what you called "your family" only a couple weeks ago.

I get that you have been hurt by important people in your past but that absolutely does not make it OK to treat people how you treat them.

It's beautifully deceiving. It's almost an art form how deceiving you are, leaving an unforeseen wake of destruction behind you. 

Please look back...

A Six Word Story

"I really did love you more."

My Leaking Soul: Current Struggles

You haven't spoken a word to me in a month. Besides the time you grew a pair (sort of) and explained to me your reasoning.

I've done my best to be patient, but now all my memories of you have been drowned in a forgotten past. Sometimes they bubble to the surface when I see a picture of you and a bitter, icy shiver stabs my heart and swiftly melts away with the next distraction.

It's a difficult feeling to describe. I no longer love you in any way. I want to know how you're doing; I still care. But love of any kind is very very far from anything I feel for you. You have ruined every chance we ever could have had at being friends in the future simply by pretending I don't exist.

You have a deceiving aura of destruction that parades itself around as a caring and loving person.

I am completely 100% over you as a person, but it is going to take a long time to recover from what you did to me.

All I know is that I have grown into the confident woman I was born to be because of you and for that, I thank you.

+++++++++++++++++++++++++

It is difficult for me to not listen to the lies the devil is whispering to me throughout the day. He's saying I should be afraid of the unknown future and saying I'm going to be alone for the rest of my life. That God has not made a man on this earth for me. And I should worry about money because money is what this world revolves around....

I know that these things are bold-faced lies. I know God has created a strong, God-fearing man for me and he will be revealed to me in only God's timing. The people of the earth are worried about these things, but if only the world revolved around its Creator, the devil and all of his lies will be crushed like an ant beneath our feet. 

This war is internal and my God will win. 

I should have known...

I should have known you'd do the same thing to me that you did to her...

If you don't love me anymore you should have told me...


And now everyone refuses to help me...and it's all up to you now. I was told to initiate talking, but you won't pick up your phone. And now I'm worried that I'm annoying you.

This whole situation is one huge mess of misunderstanding and miscommunication and all I want to do is talk it over with you and try to mend it but you won't give me that chance...why won't you give me that chance? After everything we've been through...

I'm doing my best to not retreat into my little protective bubble because the very last thing you told me was to not be afraid to ask for help...I've asked for it and nothing is happening so what am I supposed to do?

I'm going to throw up.

Have no fear! Our God is here!

A while ago, I discovered this band who calls themselves Gungor. I only listened to one of their songs, Beautiful Things, for quite some time and only recently discovered the rest of their phenomenal body of work. 

Let me just say that God is surely and clearly using them for truly great things. 

I've had a serious struggle with my faith for the past few years, only seeing God in little blips here and there before falling back into my selfish negativity. 

Tonight, however, is a completely different story. In the middle of my fears about literally everything and other problems: general senior-in-college things, student loans, money, my relationship with Paul, my own self worth, body dysmorphic disorder,  anxiety, and a few other things, God has overwhelmingly blanketed me with His comfort, love, truth, beauty, peace, and understanding tonight through this epic duo of a band. 

One of the songs is called Let There Be. The lyrics read:

Darkness hovering

Grasping everything it sees

void empty

Absent life and absent dream

Let there be

Angels toil and crack open scrolls of ancient dreams

Countless worlds of His

Brilliant stars and breath and stream

Let there be (light)

Where there is darkness

Let there be light

Where there is nothing

Let there be light. 

A-MAZING, RIGHT?! The first time I heard it I tried not to cry because I wasn't alone, but it's a nearly impossible task to not cry when God is practically yelling at you. But you should go listen to it yourself, and you can if you click right here.

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The other "song" I listened to isn't exactly song as much as it is spoken word. God is speaking through her like I have never experienced. So much so that I cannot fathom what words I would choose to describe it and how it spoke and continues to speak to me. Truly breathtaking and tear inducing. I completely transform into a child of God as I feel so small, yet also like an impossibly gigantic miracle created perfectly in the image of God. Perfectly. 

This has been on repeat for about thirty times in a row and I am not ashamed. And you (if there is anyone reading...) can listen to it with me by clicking here. 

And here are the words so you can read along and truly comprehend everything:

He is here.
He’s right here.
In this room; in your heart.

He is near.
Nearer than breath; heartbeat.
Nearer than you are to you, closer than second chance, or next opportunity.
Closer than tonight, or yesterday.

He is real.
More real than touch; see, hear, smell, or taste.
More real than reality; he is our reality!
More real than joy, pain, sorrow, or the love of being in love.

He is present.
Like space, wind, time, silence, night.

He is waiting.
Like; creation.
Like words on the tip of tongue.
Like; songs that have yet to be sung.

He is beauty.
And oranges, blues, every hue, every shade.
Sunset and sunrise whisper his name.

He is holy.
Cannot be touched, explained, like; sweet seconds of prayer.
Like; grandmother on knees.
Wood floor, bare.

He is old hymns.
The extending of limbs, stretched across trees;
strives to heal disease.

He is son.
Distinctly three; distinctly one.
The only one.
The only wise.
The only resurrector of lives.

He is king.
And no earthly throne can house him.
No amount of elegant words can espouse him.

He is moment, and voice.
Power of choice.
And word.
And deed.
And fruit.
And seed.

Nailed hands; nailed feet.
Innocent wounds, that bleed.

He is believe.
He is all
He is call, and purpose.

Everything we can sacrifice he’s worth it, and more.
Much more.

Our good deeds are mere pities; we’re never even to score.

He is behold.
And wow, he is who, what, when, why, how.

He is the one who puts on the show.
He is the one that we turn to see.
He is souls’ cry, and sinners’ bleed.

He is the epitome that no one can light a candle to or, come within a million-foot pole of.

He is above.
He is a father’s love.
Maker of waves, of earth and wind.
Ancient of days.

Has no fear.
Have no fear!
Have no fear! Our God is here!

(Sorry about the change in font, I copied it from a website and I don't feel like re-writing it seeing as it's already 1am.)

Anyway, I hope these two pieces affected you as much as they have me. 

Eating Disorder Awareness Week

This week has been deemed "National Eating Disorder Awareness" week. That being said, it kind of hits close to home in more than one way.

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I feel as though it is about time to make my story more public. Only a very minute amount of close friends know, as it is a very difficult thing for me to talk about. But it is much easier for me to write about it because I usually write about everything...it is nice to be able to bleed myself onto paper through a pen without having the repercussions of actually opening myself up to another human being only to get hurt..

Well, here's my story:


Back when I was young, I was really into being outdoors all of the time. Hiking, soccer with my cousins, basketball with my siblings, cross country, basically anything that allowed me to expend my energy outside. This type of behavior allowed me to be physically fit (sometimes TOO physically active) and within a healthy weight range.

Then along came high school. No more running, except on days when I had time and wasn't too lazy. I had to quit cross country because it was simply too much to balance with the nerdy marching band season. Eventually, my muscular, athletic build melted away into a jello-y sludge of fat hanging on to my bones. Whenever I walked I could feel it softly bouncing; something incredibly foreign to me. Then my thighs started to grow even more to the point of touching and my hips began to fill out into a more 'womanly' figure. As my metabolism disappeared, so did my self-esteem.

I was only five pounds heavier than I had been, but science has proven muscle weighs more than fat.

With the fat gain, all of the negativity that surrounded me at home, and my crippling anxiety disorder, the only thing I wanted to do was hide. So hide, I did. I became even more of a recluse hiding in my room for 9+ hours at a time (excluding time to sleep) and creating a place of refuge inside my tiny closet. There, I journaled and read until my eyelids became too heavy to hold open. There, I slept. Hidden away from everyone so no one could see my hurt and the shame I felt for letting my body become what it was.

Slowly, I began to limit the amount of food I ate. The only thing on my mind was the irrefutable desire to disappear. Maybe, just maybe, if I ate less and less my body would become less and less...and I would eventually disappear.

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I have a strong desire to keep certain major details concealed, so I'll just skip them.

Anyway, after many hours spent uncontrollably sobbing in my little refuge of a closet I saw the tiny Bible I kept hidden in my "emergency kit." What I told myself was, "whatever page this opens on, I'll read. It can't hurt and it's probably better than crying for the rest of the night." The book opened up somewhere near the middle of Psalms.

I read. I read and I read and I read.

An overwhelming peace like no other came upon me and I began to cry even more. This was a good type of crying. I realized my behavior was not healthy and a few other things besides that, that have become a part of my testimony.

God loves me. He sees me as perfect and beautiful because I have been created in His image. My body was made to endure the natural ebb and flow of minor weight gain, weight loss, muscle gain, and muscle loss. My stomach is made to expand after I eat and that is okay. The "extra fat" around my waist was put there specifically to protect my womanly organs, and will provide protection in the future while my future children are just beginning to grow. My hips have been made to support the weight of growing a child, and what a blessing that is!

I still battle these thoughts. It is a huuuuuge mental struggle for me and sometimes the voice in my head is too loud and I can't hear God constantly telling me that I'm perfect the way I am. The struggle has become more prominent recently and I'm desperately trying not to go back to my old ways of restricting calories.

I have confidence that I will win this battle. Eventually.

Snowed In

Here in the Blue Ridge Mountains, Boone, to be more specific, the weather is calling for 10+ inches of snow tomorrow through Thursday afternoon.

I. AM. SO. EXCITED. HOLY. COW!!!!!!!

I am also incredibly anxious.

Paul is supposed to be coming up Thursday night and would be arriving around midnight-1am. This makes me anxious because the people hired to clear the roads wouldn't have had much time to work on clearing the roads by the time he's up here and I'm not sure if he has much experience driving in snow like this before.

I just pray that God will watch over him, keep him awake and alert, and help him to get here safely. If we need food, thank goodness Ingles is only a 10 minute walk away.

We may have to have a Valentines Day date indoors with snow softly falling outside :)

How cute :)

Time

Over the years I have recognized that time is a stagnant thing. It is always the same amount of measurement, not caring if you're spending a leisurely afternoon having a picnic with your significant other or anxiously drumming your fingers, waiting to hear back from the doctor to see if your grandfather is going to make it out of surgery.

Even though this is true, it always feels like time starts spinning faster and faster and faster and faster the longer you are alive.

When I was about six years old, a couple hours spent in the humid heat of an Illinois summer racing my stroller and doll down the driveway against my sister's felt like half a lifetime. Now that I'm older, a whole day spent enjoying myself on the Blue Ridge Parkway feels like the whimsical blink of an eye.

I don't understand this phenomenon and I don't think I ever will.

My application for graduation was just sent in to be reviewed. College graduation. In what feels like a short second I will be a college graduate. My mind can barely wrap itself around that terrifying realization.

...in one short second I will have no idea where life will take me.

Namaste

In yoga class this morning, I learned quite a bit. I learned that if I overwork my body outside of class, it will fail me when I'm trying to go from downward dog into a forward lunge and then into warrior 1.

I also learned while we were meditating on our velvety purple yoga blocks that all human emotion lasts on average one to two minutes long. Any longer than that, we are feeding information to ourselves, further harboring that emotion. It is completely in your power to change your outlook on life after you experience something negative.

It has been scientifically proven that a putting a genuine smile on your face even if you're a Mr. Grumpy Gills, you can force it, reacts chemically with your brain to actually boost your mood and get you out of that slump you've been feeding yourself into.

A little meditation, methodical breathing, and smiling stupidly to yourself can go quite a long way.

Namaste. 

Remembering

Tonight for some reason I find myself remembering all of the nasty things I have done and said to people that I regret...but I can't take it back and I've done all I can to make it right and I guess this is the way things were supposed to turn out.

God is in control. That's difficult to understand sometimes.

Patience, Child.

Every single day of my life the Lord is teaching me the valuable lesson of patience. I've always been too stubborn and anxious and I want everything done now and done right.

I'm learning that sometimes, more often than not, my idea of "right" is not God's idea of "right." And when I want something done as quick as possible, God most likely has better plans for me and my preferred timing is usually much sooner than God's timing.

Patience really is a virtue, as are all the other fruits of the spirit which I strive to attain.

Love

Joy

Peace

Patience

Kindness

Goodness

Faithfulness

Gentleness

Self-Control

As I look back and start to really think...I possess none of these qualities. Not one. And I am disappointed in myself. 

I am a Bird

My life is a roller coaster and I am hovering on the top of the first drop....

One hundred and ninety-nine days until I graduate from college with a degree in Commercial Photography. Holy. Crap. I will be basically done with all of my formal schooling in 199 DAYS.

I have spent my whole life up until now being taught quite a bit by teachers and professors.  Now, life happens. Life begins. Not to say that life hasn't begun...it is just that now there will be no formal learning.  All of my learning from now on will be taught by life itself.  My choices and mistakes will have a greater weight because I will no longer be leaning on my parents for much support.  I am the bird finally being pushed out of its nest. I must rely on my own wings to fly.

My anxiety screams for my attention while the Lord patiently whispers, waiting for me to slow down and listen. I have been through this lesson many many times throughout my life and I can feel this turning into one of the worst...only if I let it. I need to "let go, let God." He is in control of my life and my future; there is no need for me to be anxious of anything.

I know I will be just fine for I know the One who holds me and my future in His hands.  I will not fall. I need only trust in Him.

As Isaiah 40: 31 says:

"Those who hope in the Lord will renew their strength,

They will soar on wings like eagles,

They will run and not grow weary,

They will walk and not be faint."

Ghost of Who I Was

I'd much rather write on my blog than do a treatment for my next video for video class...

Ya know what I've noticed? It feels like everything is the same day by day but when I actually take a step back everything is entirely and dramatically different. Nothing is how I thought it would be. All of the people I was friends with my freshman year in college are now friends with the guy I broke up with halfway through my sophomore year and I feel like those friends I've had sort of shunned me for no reason. So there's that. 

I'm trying to learn, understand, and accept that a lot of the friends you make will not be your friends for long. Including the friends you had in high school when you both swore you would be "best friends forever." Ha. Forever my ass. Those people are all different now, as am I, and it's a hard pill to swallow. 

I keep thinking "is something wrong with me?" Why does no one want to be my friend anymore? What did I do that turned everyone off?

I used to be Baptist. Then we moved to the south...down here "Baptist" has a altogether different meaning. From the 13 years I've been living down here, the majority of Baptists have been judgmental and I have felt entirely unwelcome. When I make one mistake, even one I was not aware I had made, I basically got rejected from the entire group here at school.

I have become exactly the person I was not in high school. A result of being thrown into an unfamiliar environment surrounded by people I did not recognize forced me to break through my thick introverted shell and blossom into this slightly-outgoing-when-I-need-to-be-but-still-an-introverted person. I have learned to speak up when I need help and to ask for what I need. 

Anyway, I know all of this change in my life the past almost four years is for a reason. I know that if I hadn't broken up with my boyfriend I had freshman year and made a couple more mistakes in college, I would not currently be with the incredible man I'm with. 

Everything happens for a reason even if it takes a few years to realize it.

Face Your Fears

Today, some friends and I went to the parkway and hiked up Rough Ridge - a 2.6 mile round trip (mostly uphill) to see some of God's beautiful creations. This time of year is truly one of the most breathtaking and gorgeous times especially in the mountains of the Blue Ridge Parkway.

The parkway has found a very special place in my heart. My grandparents used to live in Fancy Gap, Virginia and I believe they lived there most of my life up until the time my Grandpa had a heart attack and they decided to move to Tennessee with some of my family for health safety reasons. 

Anywho, a few weeks ago we had a speaker come to the photography department who had won about five awards in this year's Banff Film Festival.  Unfortunately, we were not able to view his film, but we did get to hear him speak about his experience creating the film.  This was an incredibly eye-opening experience for me personally.  A lot of it was about chasing what scares you because there you will find truth, love, beauty, happiness, contentment, and a lot of other things. 

I believe God sent him to my school to speak these things for a reason - I needed to hear it.  I needed to be told that I should not be afraid of anything.  I shouldn't be afraid of the unknown future or being alone or a more worldly thing such as heights.  So today I was presented with a option to face my fear of heights.  Guess what? I FACED IT! I faced it with a shaky everything, sweaty palms, and a racing heart. And I am still alive.  And I have never felt more alive in my life.  It was exhilarating! I saw beauty in nature I never would have seen with my feet on the ground. God has created a beautiful world - get out there and explore - face your fears - appreciate the life you live. 

And here are some images from today's explorations - click on them to see them larger!

Inner Demons

I know earlier I said this blog was for my positive thoughts only.  To help me learn more about myself and how God is working in and around me.  This post may seem negative but hold tight, it gets more positive near the end (maybe).

Being completely honest with myself and my readers (if I even have any)...I strongly detest the way I look.  This subject has been at the center of my insecurities since I was walking home from school in the seventh grade.  I was walking home alone because Suzanna had been sick at home that day.  Right as I crossed the road into my yard, some high school boys in a rusty old red truck pulled up beside me, got my attention, and screamed the words "you're ugly" at me then drove off laughing their ignorant little heads off.  I felt like the breath had been knocked out of me.  Shaky, I walked the rest of the way through the yard and inside my house, trying to comprehend what possessed these kids to say these cruel words to me, a little girl they did not even know.  I dropped my belongings on the floor and frantically searched for my mother.  As soon as I found her I told her what happened all the while choking back tears.  We sat there and both cried as she rocked me in her lap.

These boys could not comprehend exactly how much those two short words would affect me a continuous eight(ish) years down the road.

Those words have been tossed around my head for many, many years.  They have molded themselves into every negative translation you could possibly think of.

"Your nose is too big.  Your eyes are too small.  Your hair is the wrong color.  You're too skinny, almost anorexic looking.  You're looking a little fat today so you should stop eating.  Your sister is the pretty twin.  No one really cares.  You're all alone.  Your smile is hideous.  You're not worth it.  Not trying hard enough.  Not good enough.  UGLY.  So damn fat.  You're too short.  No one is listening.  YOU'RE SO FAT." 

Honestly, WHY CAN'T THIS VOICE SHUT UP.  There was a time when I got these thoughts to hush for a little bit.  And then I turned 20.  My metabolism slowed down a teensy bit.  I gained 7-10 pounds.  The all-too-familiar voice has made a destructive return, hitting harder than ever before.  Everybody says I look just fine and I look healthy.  Gaining weight is a normal part of life.

"Not for you, Colleen.  You're ugly.  You're fat now."

 SHUT. UP.

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This has been difficult for me to write about so I'm now coming back from a small break.  

In the middle of these messed up thoughts I have come to the realization that these are LIES.  Lies from the devil.  That is all they are and all they will ever be.  I have learned that God created me.  He knitted me in my mother's womb and knew all of me before I was even born! I mean, how magnificently mind-blowing is that?  It is almost too much to comprehend when you take time to sit and ponder it for a while.  

He created me.  He has molded me and formed me to who He wants me to be.  He is still working on me.  He will never stop working on me.  

"For You created my inmost being; You knit me together in my mother's womb.  I praise You because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; Your works are wonderful, I know that full well.  My frame was not hidden from You when I was made in the secret place.  When I was woven together in the depths of the earth, Your eyes saw my unformed body.  All the days ordained for me were written in Your book before one of them came to be." 

-Psalm 139: 13-16.

"I knew you before I formed you in your mother's womb.  Before you were born, I set you apart."                      

-Jeremiah 1:5 

 

God does not make mistakes.  I do not know why these boys did what they did, but in a strange way I am glad they said those words simply because it has helped me realize the depth of our Father's love for us.  

God made me and every other person on this Earth in His image.  According to Him, I am beautiful the way He created me...the way I am.  You, you lovely reader, are beautiful.  Everyone is beautiful because God created everyone.  

God will never see me as ugly. 

I can only pray that these boys have grown up and learned from their mistakes and that they are good people in society and that they have come to love God as much as I do.  I also pray that I will be able to see myself how God sees me.

God does not make mistakes.  I will defeat my enemy.  

Beloved

This song is titled Beloved, by the band Tenth Avenue North.  

God speaks through this song so deeply it becomes difficult for me to wrap my mind around it.  God is speaking directly through these lyrics.  We are His beloved. We are the love of His life.  

You're my beloved

lover, I'm yours

Death shall not part us

It's you I died for

For better or worse

Forever we'll be

My love, it unites us

And it binds you to Me

How incredible is that?  Your relationship with God cannot be torn apart by anything including death.  We are his FOREVER.  Forever.   He will take care of us.  He is our one true love beyond anything a friend, boyfriend, fiance, or husband could ever be.  

I am learning that we should not fully rely on material things and earthly people.  These people and material things will let you down, and if they haven't, it will happen eventually.  Yeah, I guess that sounds a little bit depressing.  But what I'm trying to say here is that God will never let you down.  He knows what's best for you.  He knows when the time is right to open your eyes to everything you never understood before...all you have to do is trust. 

Desert Soul

For a while this song has been burrowing a place into my soul, speaking to me in ways very few other things have. Here are the lyrics:

I love You Lord
But I want to love You more
I need You God 
But I want to need You more

I'm lost without
Your creative spark in me
I'm dead inside
Unless Your resurrection sings

I'm desperate for a desperate heart
I'm reaching out, I'm reaching

All that I am is dry bones
Without You Lord, a desert soul
I am broken but running
Towards You God, You make me whole

You are exactly what we need
Only You can satisfy

It explains exactly how I feel right now.  Being at college stuck with all of these stressful assignments to do day in and day out with, what it seems like, no break at all.  No breathing room.  Assignment after assignment after assignment, it gets pretty monotonous.  

As a result of this stress-filled schedule, I feel like I'm too exhausted at the end of the day to pick up my Bible and read it.  Even the one I got for my birthday last year that has the days separated out for me with specific passages of the Bible broken up so I can read the whole thing in a year.  It's almost no work at all to pick it up, find today's date, and spend fifteen minutes reading its contents.  I don't know why I keep straying like this.  

________________________________________

"All that I am is dry bones without You Lord, a desert soul."

Wow. That imagery.  It's perfect.  When get off track from praying and talking to God like He's my best friend and off track from reading my Bible, this is exactly the feeling I get.  Empty, dry, and deserted.  As though there is no purpose to life other than living day by day getting nothing accomplished, apathetic towards everything.  Then I start to pray.  Crack open my Bible.  Read.  A change from the inside is felt almost immediately.  I feel...whole. Completed.  

"Only You can satisfy."

First Post

Hello to whoever  may, or may not, be reading this.

I decided to start this blog so I can write down all of the confusing thoughts that race inside my head a thousand miles per hour when I'm left alone.  Trying to understand the world around me and God's plans for my life.

I have kept a journal since I was in the fifth grade. There are nine total journals (of which one of them is a five subject notebook) full of my innermost thoughts and ramblings just sitting around at home in random places around my room.  I had to stop journaling in my early high school years due to all of the negativity swimming around in my deep abyss of a brain causing me to think ugly, self-destructive thoughts.  So, here I am now, attempting to get back into writing every once-in-a-while.

This blog is meant to be a positive thing, helping me learn from my mistakes instead of tearing myself down because of them.  

For now I'll leave you, my lovely readers (if there are any...) with this wonderful quote: